


even death is not to be feared

by reqris



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 10:58:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18737650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reqris/pseuds/reqris
Summary: He always had this fault about him. There shouldn’t have been. He’s a God. He was supposed to perfect, just like his brother Thor. Loki never seemed to get it right. He wanted to lead a kingdom, yet he lacked in the most important part of being a leader. Nobody knew why, not even him. Years and years of trying to become better than his brother, better than his father, were foolish attempts to redeem himself





	even death is not to be feared

He always had this fault about him. There shouldn’t have been. He’s a God. He was supposed to perfect, just like his brother Thor. Loki never seemed to get it right. He wanted to lead a kingdom, yet he lacked in the most important part of being a leader. Nobody knew why, not even him. Years and years of trying to become better than his brother, better than his father, were foolish attempts to redeem himself in the midst of war. He’d freeze up in the battlefield, stricken with fear and anxiety. Loki practiced every single day with his spar mates and mentors, even with his brother. 

He’d always win then, but why did that not apply in the middle of war. His body would stop working and his lungs would squeeze tightly. He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what he had to fear. Perhaps failure, perhaps death, or perhaps both. It’s like his mind went blank, getting lost in the depths of fear and panic. Often times, his father’s soldiers would have to protect him because he became motionless. When they would come back to Asgard, they’d make jokes about Loki. Always laughing and pointing. It infuriated him. He’d try to tell his father about the soldiers, but his response was always telling Loki if he didn’t want to be made fun of, he wouldn’t freeze. 

Loki, God of Failure, they’d call him. 

Perhaps he was a failure...

Growing up he had not one single friend around. It was always just him, and his mother, he supposed. His mother was the only one who truly understood him, the only one who acknowledged his pain and suffering. She was there at Loki’s worst moments. Like today, as he arrived from a battle, anxiety stricken; his body paralyzed with fear. 

He’d gasp for air as he made his way to his mother’s room, trying his hardest not to let the guards see his fault. Loki shoved the doors open and grunted, pointing at the door. In a second, all the servants fled out, shutting the door behind them, leaving only his mother and him in the room. 

“Mother,” His voice cracked, tears rushing down his face. 

“Come, my child.” His mother spoke softly and opened her arms.

Loki immediately melted into her arms, his sobs now filling the empty room. His air still cutting short as he choked up. He held on tight as his mother stroke her fingers through Loki’s black hair. “It’s okay, all will be okay.” 

“N-no,” Loki shook his head, pulling away and rubbing at his eyes roughly.

“Nothing will be okay. I’ll always be a failure and a coward!” His voice rose, followed with another sob.

“You are neither of those things, Loki.” Her voice still low in volume. 

“I’ll never be fit to lead! I’ll never be fit for anything! My god, mother, what is wrong with me? Why do I do this? Father will be so mad...” He kneeled to the floor, covering his face. 

He tried to catch his breath, but nothing seemed to work. He felt like Mjolnir itself was sitting on his chest. He refused to look up, not even when his mother kneeled down and placed her soft hands on Loki’s cheeks. 

“What’re you afraid of, my dear?” She whispered.

“I don’t know, mother, I don’t know.” Loki answered. 

“Think, Loki.” 

“I-I-“ Loki shook his head. “I’m afraid I’ll die. I’m afraid I’ll die and nobody will miss me. I’m afraid that I’ll get others kill. I’m afraid of becoming a failure.” 

“Oh, my son. Even the gods above are imperfect. You are not the only one. I know someone who was just like you when they were younger. Your father. He had the amazing potential, yet he feared what others would call simple. He was terrified of speaking in front of people. He’ll never admit it now, but it’s true. He was just like you.” She explained, pushing a strand of his hair behind Loki’s ear. 

“Then why does he treat me like this? Why does he hate me?” Loki sighed. 

“He does not hate you, Loki. He loves you just as much as he loves your brother. He only wants the best for you. The only way he knows how to help you, is to be tough on you. Do not confuse that as hate.” 

Loki’s breath returned to him normally, feeling tired just as he always did when he’d have these attacks. “How do I overcome this, Mother? How do I become the man I want to be.” 

His mother smiled softly and kissed his head, “Oh, darling. By acknowledging that you already are that man, that people do love you, and that you are unstoppable. And even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely. So do just that and you’ll be fine.” 

And with those words, Loki felt a sense of peace, even if just for a little bit.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing anything marvel related so please bear with me if it’s not too good. any constructive criticism is welcomed :)


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